There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
