My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
