in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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