People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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