What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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