I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
