I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
