my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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