u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
