I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
