I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
