I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
