I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
