You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
