You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
