Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
