You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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