Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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