did you get engaged???
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
