My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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