it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He shit in the fireplace
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
