My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
