Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
