Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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