i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
