At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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