Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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