my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
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