Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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