I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
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I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
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He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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