I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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