He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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