I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Floor bacon is actually really good
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
