I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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