I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
