I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Randomize
