Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
