READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
