Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
