Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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