if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
These tits shall not be calmed
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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