so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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