bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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