At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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