my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
bring money and cleavage
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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