So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
