i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
