New invention idea: vibrating tampons
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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