News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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