even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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