if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Randomize
