ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
