he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
