I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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