"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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