Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
