i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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