There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
