I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
