Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It's official drugs can't kill me
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
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One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.