How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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