babies were throwing up all over the place
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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