i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
