Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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