rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
