Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
