I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
