remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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