I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
